Ryan Sheckler's Red Bull helicopter ball drop | Simply Ranked

The definitive weekly ranking and analysis of all the skateboarding and other online things that I cannot stop consuming and how they make me feel, personally.

Full Hause (video part)

Rank: 1
Mood: 🏡

As most readers probably know, following the incredibly sweet and potentially teary-eye inducing The REAL Road to Pro video and social media posts preceding it, Nicole Hause has received a bump to the pro ranks for REAL Skateboards. Last week, that was punctuated by the release of Hause’s debut video part as a professional. It’s full of head-high airs, brutal slams, an excellent grip of street tricks, and the infectious, positive energy that appears to be Hause’s calling card.

The video part was the capper on a successful marketing campaign surrounding her new pro-dom. It’s not often we see this amount of care and effort put into this moment, which is surprising, given that it’s generally one of, if not the most impactful, of a professional skateboarder’s career. Usually, there’s a surprise party, Instagram posts that reveal the promotion, and on occasion, a video part to follow.

However, with Hause, there was a clear, well-developed game plan. She was first surprised by legends Elissa Steamer, Jamie Reyes, and all of her friends and family with a pro board. Then, a couple of days later, she made her way to Montreal for Dime’s Glory Challenge and left as the author of one of the weekend's biggest moments.

The following Friday, her REAL Road to Pro video was released, and her pro part dropped the Friday after. In marketing speak, all of the campaign beats were executed flawlessly. Given how fun it was to witness through our various screens and how much Hause’s stock has risen since, hopefully, we start to see more of these deserving, celebratory cycles for the newly pro skater.

Ryan Sheckler’s Red Bull helicopter ball drop

Rank: 14
Mood: ⛳️

For nine minutes and thirty-three seconds, I sat in one place and watched the entire video recap of Ryan Sheckler’s 14th Annual Charity Golf Tournament. I did not know that Ryan Sheckler had a charity golf tournament, let alone had hosted 13 previous to this one. Currently 32 years old, that means Sheckler would've been 18—at the height of his fame during the Life of Ryan reality show years—when the yearly event took off, which is an impressive run.

Put on by the Sheckler Foundation (whose stated aim is to “educate, equip and empower our community to ‘Be the Change’ in the lives of children and injured action sports athletes”); the tournament featured luminaries such as Jagger Eaton, Alex Midler, David Reyes, and SC Big Boy (a teeteringly muscular man who, if my understanding is correct, found viral celebrity after eating shit trying to drop in on Tony Hawk’s vert ramp).

Was there anything to take away from watching this video? Does the viewer learn anything about “Be The Change,” how much money the event raised, or if Shecks has a good drive? No. But we get to see generous shots of swag from the tournament’s sponsors, a few clips of unnamed golfers sinking long putts, and golf balls getting dropped from a helicopter onto the green, each one pining for the hole as they hurtle towards the earth.

When you look around at the drivel we’re inundated with daily online, comparatively, this is decent content. Not good, but not quite total rubbish, which is all one can ask for. It doesn’t demand too much from the viewer, there are flashy objects, and you might see someone you recognize—the perfect something to disassociate to.

Simply Reviewed: Sounds Like You Guys Are Crushing It

Rank: 1
Mood: 🥰

There’s always much to like and dissect about any new Polar Skate Co. video. Their latest, Sounds Like You Guys Are Crushing It is no different. Structurally, it’s a bit porous, with most team riders having their own sections but with separate clips scattered throughout various montages and slipped into other people’s parts. While this has become a relatively common editing strategy and has the positive effect of keeping a skater on screen across the duration of the video, it does feel like the individual video parts would be stronger (and longer) if each skater’s footage were cordoned off into their own segments. But that’s a minor gripe.

Ultimately, Pontus Alv’s vision here is as present as ever, from the sharp use of b-roll, droll textual interstitials, to a solid soundtrack that expertly matches the pace and intensity of the skateboarding and skateboarders. And then there are the tricks themselves; a steady mix of grace, technicality, creativity, and brutishness. But, for myself, the standouts in the video were clear. They were the skateboarders with the most questionable decision-making.

Like Emile Laurent deciding to boardslide a multi-kink bear-trap rail that required him to land at a nearly 90-degree angle to avoid immediately slamming into a wall. Part cannonball, part mogwai-fed-after-midnight, Laurent is such a strange, chaotic force that it only makes sense that at one point, we see him somersaulting down a hill through a graveyard after caveman boardsliding another massive rail.

Then there’s Nick Boserio, a man with seemingly no regard for his personal well-being. And judging by the licking of his lips that usually precedes his hairball maneuvers, he appears to actively hunger for that risk.

It’s a bravery that can be hard to comprehend but easy to appreciate. One that leaves viewers tensing up in anticipation each time he appears in the frame. While it would’ve been nice to see more Dane Brady, Nick Rios, and Shin Sanbongi, overall, Sounds Like You Guys Are Crushing It lived up to the promise of its name.

Famous skater brand

Rank: x
Mood: 🐊

Thrasher’s latest collab has notably raised a few eyebrows. Lacoste, the prim and preppy French clothing and perfume company, seems at odds with—and perhaps even diametrically opposed to—the hard-charging, bowl-barneying, funnel-a-beer-into-your-ass ethos of the long-running skateboarding magazine. The product of the two brand’s collaboration reflects the incongruence.

This heinous all-over print polo, which harkens back to the dark days of Krew’s all-over print reign of terror, will cost an interested party a whopping 185 USD. At worst, a product like this at a price point like that shows how little these companies respect the taste and intellect of the consumer. At best? Well, it doesn’t seem like there is a best. Judging by the product copy on their website, Lacoste couldn’t even be bothered to figure out what Thrasher Magazine does.

Modern. Bold. Inspired by the famous skater brand. Heat up the pavement with this Lacoste x Thrasher polo.

A roomy size for maximum style. Opt for this Thrasher hoodie, inspired by the most famous of skate shops.

Bleak. However, to be fair, it’s not exactly clear what Thrasher even is anymore. Once simply a magazine, it’s evolved into a full-on media empire. It spans print, web, and there have even been Thrasher-branded television shows. That’s without even mentioning the success of their clothing line, which is regularly donned by celebrities and regular non-skateboarding folks alike.

Given all that, perhaps Lacoste is on to something. In its current form(s), Thrasher is, above all, a famous skater brand. It’s what Rhianna wore once, it’s what currently has 145 different products listed on the Zumiez website, and it’s probably the second-most recognizable name associated with skateboarding behind only Tony Hawk. If this skater brand weren’t famous, Lacoste wouldn’t have worked with them. Thrasher now nestled among the names of other high-profile brands Lacoste has teamed up with, including Disney, Opening Ceremony, Supreme, and, of course, Peanuts.

Go big then go home

Rank: 1
Mood: 🥟

The hamlet of Cheadle, Alberta, recently unveiled a 17’ tall statue titled “Cheetle.” In a collaboration between the Cheadle Community Club and PepsiCo Foods Canada, the giant orange-dusted thumb, index, and middle fingers hold a single Cheeto aloft—an offering to the gods who famously love to snack.

Cheetle made national news in Canada by finding popularity with tourists on TikTok and Instagram. Which, of course, is by design. This has been a tried and true rural Albertan marketing gimmick even before the advent of social media. The prairie province is full of giant homages and dedications to local delicacies.

From Stawnichy’s Meat Processing erecting a 42’ tall kielbasa statue in Mundare that more closely resembles a giant freestanding turd, Glendon’s towering 27’ perogy skewered by a fork, to Bow Island’s giant Pinto Bean mascot that sports a cowboy hat, pistol, and a disconcerting smile that leads you to believe it’s going to enjoy drawing and firing on ogling tourists.

As bizarre and occasionally asinine as they are, these gimmicks work. People are driving to Cheadle to see Cheetle because paying attention to the big, loud, stupid thing is a natural human reaction. It works in professional wrestling, politics, and local tourist traps. So while it does feel a bit insidious that PepsiCo has decided to co-opt an Albertan tradition for its own gains, it’s not surprising or any less effective.

Something to consider: “Why is this cyber-education nonprofit selling a $13,000 occult artifact on eBay?” Max Read attempts to find out on Read Max.

Good thing:  Under The Bougainvillea by Mitch Buangsuwon

Another good thing: That Dick Butkus swag.

An unexpected thing: Brendan Gleeson telling Thrasher to “kiss my ass.”

Until next week… Soon, many, if not all, small dogs will be wearing small jackets. If you see one, try not to laugh or awwwww too adoringly. These small dogs are likely embarrassed and do not want attention drawn to themselves.